First, this post is written for the women that are following this journey.
Second, this might not resonate with all of my dear lady friends, but I find writing therapeutic and I know that this will touch some of you….after all, many of you have walked this road before me. And I know of at least one of you that has gone through exactly this.
Many of you have been walking this journey with us from the beginning…some of you even from the time God first placed adoption on my heart. Each time I have had to wean off one of my plans because it wasn’t God’s plan, at least one of you has been there to encourage me and point me back to Truth. He is faithful. He is good. He is constant. He is sovereign. Always.
And, I’m weaning again. Only this time, I mean that literally. I have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding since December 2010. We started this journey while pregnant with our daughter fully expecting to have our child home by now. And my Momma heart’s desire has always been to transition from Breastfeeding our daughter to Breastfeeding our adopted child. Even if our child is too old to transition to Breastfeeding, I would pump so that we would have the extra nourishment for our child. Let’s be honest…the chances of our child being malnourished are high. Breastmilk would truly be liquid gold for our little one.
But, driving on the word indefinitely is a fragile, emotional road.
I know the stories of women who have never nursed before that have then induced lactation and successfully Breastfed their adopted children. I know it can happen. And if we have opportunity for that, and if our child would benefit from it, you better believe I will do whatever it takes to provide that nourishment for our child.
But our daughter turned 2 last week. (I am incredibly thankful that she has nursed this long. There are so many women unable to nurse that long to have that experience. And here I am, sad that this chapter is closing.) Zane and I had discussed for many, many months that if we reached her second birthday without our child being home, then we would probably start the weaning process. I’ve known her second birthday was coming.
But I was still hopeful it wouldn’t come first.
I was hoping transition would happen.
I was longing to not have this decision on my hands…and heart.
And to be blunt, I firmly believe that if our daughter saw me nurse another child, she would think her *num-nums* had just cheated on her and she would just quit cold-turkey.
Instead, I find myself weaning off a dream, knowing that nursing our child might not be God’s plan. And grieving…oh goodness the grief….that our daughter might be my last child to feed in this way.
I’m one of those women that actually loves Breastfeeding. If someone could just pick me up and fly me to Africa, you better believe I’d be a wet nurse in a heartbeat. Call me weird…but it is such a gift to be able to provide nourishment from my body to my child. I do not take it lightly and am amazed by how God has created women.
I have our little girl down to two sessions a day. It is so weird. I have more time on my hands. I’m not constantly eating like a Hobbit. Nap time is far easier than I ever could have imagined…it use to be a process, and now it is…simple. Our son only used a bottle once a week for eight weeks and then he was like forget this. Our daughter never took a bottle. The idea that Zane will be able to bond with our adopted child through bottle-feeding is starting to become intriguing. We are definitely far from it being my favorite option; but there is light at the end of this tunnel.
And I have energy. At least, I think that is what you call this thing that I feel. I wonder if I will have even more of it when our daughter is completely weaned (which I am NOT rushing. I have got to cherish these times and use the phrase “I’m still breastfeeding so I need all of the chocolate” as often as I can with the time I have left).
On a very serious note: to all of you out there, I know what it is like to have pretty plans and for them not to work out. I know what it is like to have a desire, a deep desire, and
watch it feel it go unfulfilled day in and day out. But I also know that Joy comes in the morning. And I know that His compassions fail not. His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3: 22,23). Those mercies might not look like my plans.
But with every weaning of my plans, He proves again and again that His ways are better.
This process is hard. (Do I say that every blog?) You have to have all of your ducks in a row. The finances. The paperwork. The dossier. The answers to the questions that will come. It is hard to be in a process where organization is demanded….while flexibility is required.
Where you have to make plans for the future. While weaning the very plans you made for the future.
I do not know what you are weaning right now. But as women, don’t we feel those weanings
a little a lot more deeply than the men in our lives? We humans are relational beings. It is a blessing to have women in my life that live these ‘weanings’ with me. They are in this with me. I hope that wherever you are, you also have someone walking these weaning with you. They are not without reason. God’s purposes go beyond what we could ever imagine.
And if that means that He must wean me of my plans so that I walk in His plans…..then isn’t that exactly what should be happening?