Preaching to Myself

I was talking with a friend today about blogging this journey. (And a lot of other things adoption-related.) What do I share? What do I hold back? What do I ponder in my heart and hold close?  Besides, everything I blog these days is just…

Still waiting.

Still hoping.

Still trusting.

And she said to blog that. Because it is true. That is what I’m doing. Still waiting, hoping, and trusting in God’s sovereign Will, Timing, Promises.

The abundant joy is here….I know that the Lord is writing a story that I could never imagine.  Or at least, I *know* that and therefore I *should* have joy and am choosing to keep my eyes on that option.  The option of Joy. Because I will buckle under the agony of wanting my child safe in my arms right now if I don’t choose Joy.  The peace that I wrote about last blog…well, it is being thrown violently against the rocks with the waves.  But I’ve learned already in this journey that if I take my eyes off Jesus for a moment, my peace will start to waver.

So I sit here.  I can feel my heart trembling (or maybe that is the constant choking feeling in my throat as I try to suffocate my over-active emotions).  I want to write the blog that says adoption is easy and seamless and totally not tiring.  I want to write the blog that causes every single person who reads it to say, “you know what! We should adopt.  Sounds great!”

But instead, my words keep being a variation of Still waiting. Still hoping. Still trusting.

And I know you are waiting with us. Hoping with us. Trusting with us.  Cheering us on and at times, helping me pick through the shattered heart that is the thing seeping through my chest when you ask me…at the wrong time (or the right time, depending on how you look at it) ‘so hey, how is your adoption going?’

After my phone call, my friend told me I might be encouraged by a song that just came through on her iPod queue, so to go look it up.  I already knew the song…and yep, God wanted me to be encouraged by it.  Maybe it will encourage you too, as you wait, hope, and trust God in your own chapter in life.

Scattered words and empty thoughts seem to pour from my heart.
I’ve never felt so torn before; seems I don’t know where to start
But it’s now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip, washing away my pain
And I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your Truth
I still believe in Your Holy Word
Even when I don’t see, I still believe.
Though the questions still fog up my mind with promises I still seem to bear
For even when answers slowly unwind it’s my heart I see You prepare
But it’s now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip, washing away my pain.
Well the only place I can go is into Your arms where I throw to You my feeble prayers
In brokenness I can see that this was Your will for me
Help me to know that You are near.
‘Cause I still believe in Your faithfulness.
I still believe in Your Truth.
I still believe in Your Holy Word.
Even when I don’t see, I still believe.
-Jeremy Camp, I Still Believe

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