Different

This looks different than before.

We are taking things *much more slowly.*

That is okay.  Slow and steady works right now for our family.  Our kids, they are growing up.  And fast!  At ages 5, 3, and 1, we are just shy of 5, 4, and 2 coming around the corner.  We found out about Zo when O was 2 years, 3 weeks old.  I miss little toddler O.  And I was so busy going full speed crafting on our journey to Zo, that I missed some good, healthy, more quality time with O.

We aren’t doing that this time.

I’m flooding my days with time spent with the kids.  Finger-painting on the deck today, you bet.  Helping Roman read stories to the girls – yes!  Multiple picnics and silly craft kid projects with them, absolutely.  Dance parties, story-telling, dress-up: you name it.  I don’t want to miss this.  I’m soaking up this season with greater urgency.  “Lapping it all up” as my friend would say.  Too quickly, it is gone.

When we started the process to Zo, we were pregnant with O.  Any time a new form came through that needed our attention in the Homestudy process, we dropped what we were doing and did it.  We rushed it.  I spent less time with Ro and O to get pen to paper and finish it fast.

This time looks different.

We are easing into it.  I’m doing just a little at a time.  Not even finishing all of one thing in one sitting sometimes.  We had our Home Study visit by our social worker 2 days ago.  There are a few remaining things from the visit she needs.  I’m not stressing about it.

This isn’t about being lazy or apathetic.

This is about finding a balance.

This is learning how to pursue while not neglecting my nest.

I don’t want to wake up one morning with a little boy home in our flock and realize I lost precious time with our other kiddos.

Don’t mishear me.  I don’t regret bringing Zo home.  Not.at.all.  I do regret how I managed my time.  I do regret running hard, SO HARD, toward her that I missed out on things with Ro…and especially with O.  O’s first 2 years outside the womb were filled with Mommy pursuing someone else.  Do I struggle with guilt from that?  Yeah.  Sadly, yes, I do.

In fact, after bringing Zo home, the first entry I wrote in O’s journal was an apology.  An apology to my beautiful 2 year old darling because I hadn’t loved on her like I believe I should have.  I didn’t pursue time with her like I pursued ‘getting-paperwork-done-to-get-#3-home-and-all-the-crafts-to-raise-the-funds.’

This time looks different.

I’m striking a balance.  I’m resting in the Truth that God makes it all work out in His time.  And while He works, I can enjoy the gifts he has already given.

My Father weaves songs into my heart in His perfect timing.  Perfectly, just perfectly, I heard this song for the first time a day or two after we decided to start down this road again…and moments after finding this blog post crammed in an email I had written for my friend’s blog.  (I then found the ‘privately posted’ blog on here and changed the post to public.)  God reminding me of His intentionality, faithfulness, and sovereignty…and Goodness….it is all vital to walking this HARD, BEAUTIFUL road a second time.

I believe that You are God alone
Sometimes I still try to take control
Cause I get scared when I can’t see the end
And all You want from me is to let go
You’re parting waters making a way for me
You’re moving mountains that I don’t even see
You’ve answered my prayer before I even speak
All You need for me to be is still.
I put my praise before I bring my need
Cause there’s no fear You’ve not already seen
I rest my heart on all Your promises
Cause I have seen and known Your faithfulness
You’re parting waters making a way for me
You’re moving mountains that I don’t even see
You’ve answered my prayer before I even speak
All You need for me to be is STILL.
And know that You are God.
Be Still
And know that You, trust that You are:

Parting Waters.
Lord, You whispered my name.

You answer my prayers.
You’re moving mountains.

Be still.
~Hillary Scott, Still

Yes.  I have seen and known His faithfulness.  I know He parts waters and moves mountains and answers prayers and that He.is.God.alone.

This balance I’ve found…enjoying the nest He has given and being still while He works in ways unseen…

This time looks different.

It feels different too.

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